A process that can never be finished...

Coming out as queer is a process that can never be finished. Every encounter is a possibility for conflict and interrogation.

The world still usually assumes that everyone is heterosexual by default and/or fits comfortably into a male or female gender. Even if someone surmises that I might be queer, it is usually taken for granted that the subject is best left alone because it still lives in the realm of shame. 

A common defense by those who seek to keep things hush-hush is to question the need for coming out because sexuality is something "private and adult," but this is problematic. I am a teacher, mostly of children. Contrary to what most assume, my sexual orientation DOES come up, all the time, and the ones asking the questions are kids. This was the case in the United States, Japan, and, now, Switzerland. Just the other day, kids in my class asked me if I am married or not. They proceeded to ask if I "at least" had a girlfriend. I was immediately forced to make the choice between lying or telling a truth that might cost me my job. One's sexual orientation involves private acts that are best kept from children, but it also implicates basic emotions from joy to heartbreak that requires an immense amount of stoicism to hide. And, ponder this for a second: Would you even think to let go of your partner’s hand when you see little children coming? In some countries, not doing so might put you on the chopping block, literally. (https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/worldviews/wp/2016/06/13/here-are-the-10-countries-where-homosexuality-may-be-punished-by-death-2/)

If I may, I would like to make an overbroad sweep of the geographical aspects of coming out in places where I have resided.

The United States is notable for its strong contrasts. One might assume, correctly, that due to the high level of religiosity in the US, homophobia itself is more “out of the closet,” but a corresponding homophilia is also prevalent among Americans. The rugged individual is, after all, the central deity of the American experience, and people will go to great lengths to defend the different, in all aspects. If one can measure social acceptance by the reactions one gets while walking hand-in-hand with a same-sex partner down the street, in Anytown USA, one can expect to get both called a“faggot” and then supportively cheered. Let’s call this device the “Hand-o-Meter.” 

Japan, too, is a land of contrasts where, on the one hand, “the nail that sticks out gets hammered down” ( "出る杭は打たれる"), but, on the other hand,“かたやぶり,” or mold breakers, thrive. Throughout its long history, Japan has been a relatively safe place for sexual minorities. Japan only criminalized same-sex activity under European influence for seven years during the late 19th century, and is often cited as one of the safest places to be queer. The lack of legal protections for LGBT individuals and couples, however, is glaring. Though Japanese society still places high emphasis on Wa (和), peaceful unity and conformity within a social group, "among a sample of 54 national cultures selected from all major regions of the world, Japanese culture ranked first on the flexibility index" (https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1069397117727488) and ranks equal to the United States in emancipative values (https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/japanese-journal-of-political-science/article/abs/asian-values-thesis-revisited-evidence-from-the-world-values-surveys/B914B1AA4C1E92D791CFBE27227ACC6C). So what of the “Hand-o-Meter” in Japan? Walking hand-in-hand with my boyfriends in Japan barely caused a raised eyebrow, but I never naively interpreted this as a sign of approval. No violence, even verbal, but no cheers. This is 建前 (tatemae or "façade").

While Switzerland has implemented legislation to protect LGBT individuals from discrimination in almost every aspect of life, queer people are, in my admittedly unscientific observation, more “closeted” than those in Japan. As of 2020, Switzerland remains one of the only countries in Western Europe where same-sex marriage remains impossible. Prudence is the guiding principle of the Swiss, and things move slowly. How does the “Hand-o-Meter” fare? While walking down the street holding hands with my a same-sex partner did not put me at great risk of violence in Switzerland, it certainly garnered stares of disapprobation, and the odd “pédé” (faggot) was thrown, behind our backs.  

Certainly the US, Japan, and Switzerland are neither the best nor the worst places to be queer. I’ve traveled all over the world, but haven’t garnered enough first-hand experience to “score” any countries besides the ones I’ve spent many years in. How would your home country score on the very scientific “Hand-o-Meter”?

And how does one manage to be truthful while maintaining economic and physical safety?