Guest Post: A Man from Peshawar

 Trapped by two realities

    The Pew Research Center has stated that "Pakistan [is] one of the [countries] least accepting of homosexuality with 87% of those surveyed saying 'Homosexuality should not be accepted by society.'"(1)  Things are not all bad, though.  Like in Iran, transgender people have relatively good legal protection and recognition in Pakistan.  "
49% agreed that they should have the same rights, 51% believed they should be protected from employment discrimination and 44% believed they should be allowed to change their legal gender."(2)
    However, being an ex-Muslim classifies one as being a so-called blasphemer and constitutes an even more serious offense than same-sex relationships under Pakistani law.  "Use of derogatory remarks, spoken, written, directly or indirectly, etc. defiles the name of Muhammad or other Prophet(s)" carries a "Mandatory Death and fine" (3).  One wonders what the hell the fine is for...!
    Thus, it is with deep gratitude, that I present to you here the story of Eltaf K. As he is a young man living in Pakistan, it is not safe for him to use his real name, something, which you will have seen, is a pattern for LGBTQ people living in most Muslim countries.  Not only is he gay, he is also an ex-Muslim.  As stated above, both of these things are crimes punishable by severe sentences in Pakistan.
    Please read all of what he has written, especially the addendum, which has personal details that might shock those from more "liberal" areas of the world. 

     I belong to a conservative community living in north-western side of Pakistan. Most of the people are influenced by the strict and rigid Islamic principles. From a very young age, as most of the other kids, I started reading and memorizing the Quran and was brought up in that Islamic environment where you are not allowed to think out of the box.
    Also I always had attraction towards same gender. I used to like actors in dramas more than actresses. I couldn't understand it, but I started knowing myself with time, and I used to live in state of constant shame.
    Islam does not allow homosexuality so started questioning my self. Then, I don't know how, but I started questioning other things like the existence of God and why Muslims believed certain things. Nobody had answers that could satisfy me, so I started doing my own research. Reading the Quran again and again, I couldn't find anything.
    Then I turned towards other religions but found them almost similar. I finally started studying scientific research, and that made sense, so I followed that and became an atheist.
    I'm still curious . In my society there is no concept of atheism. I can't say this to anyone. If I did, I will probably be deserted by my own family who loves me and whom I love. There are lunatics that wouldn't think twice about killing me if they knew about my reality.
    I have to keep my atheism as well as my sexuality obscure as long as possible. It's not only me, there are thousands out there, but no one has the right to raise their voices. That's how my life is. That's how our lives are. I hope one day these things (being gay and atheist) will be considered normal so that I can live a normal life as I want.
    -Eltaf K

    Addendum: Yes, I'm in a relationship, I will right the details here. Also I want to tell you how many bisexuals are here though it's the most homophobic country.
    Here in Pakistan almost every boy and every girl gets molested at some stage in their life. I have asked almost everyone in my class, and they all had faced such abuse.
    When I was about 12, I was sexually abused by one of our relatives. At that time I didn't even know what he wanted or what he was up to, but that changed me. Being gay in something natural, but that incident sped up the thing for me. Like, 12 is too young, there was no one to whom I could tell, and there was no one who could understand.
    After this incident, I found gay groups on Facebook where there were a lot of people. I met many and most of them were married and had kids. There is actually quite a significant number of gays and bisexuals, but they all hide it and also they oppose it publicly yet do it private. I have seen a lot of such hypocrites.
    Pakistan is one of the most homophobic countries yet it has significant number of people who prefer boys over their wives. I have met many - people from every sphere of life i.e army personnel, bureaucrats, politicians and much more.
    3 years ago I met a man on the internet, he is married and has 3 kids. When we met for the first time, it was the best ever date of my life, and our relation started. We are still together, but we can't make it open nor we can tell even close people. It's just between him and me, and I want it to be like this just to avoid the troubles.

All art by Eltaf K